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Alexis Alhadji

After shattering his thigh while trying to perform an elaborate bicycle kick celebration, this cocky defender returned with a sharper tactical mind and an unmatched aerial leap that puts giants to shame. While his heading remains comically non-existent, he moves with lethal speed and pinpoint tackling accuracy to neutralize attackers before they even breathe. He carries the swagger of a man who knows he is untouchable, despite possessing all the defensive grit in the world but none of the actual head-on aerial power.