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Sean Cook

This flamboyant Australian marksman possesses a thunderous strike that strikes fear into any keeper, though his erratic positioning often leaves him wandering aimlessly like a lost tourist. He insists on painting his cleats with bright pink glitter before every kickoff to channel cosmic energy, a bizarre ritual that leaves his bewildered teammates constantly ducking for cover. Despite his lightning-fast bursts of pace and deadly long-range finishing power, he often sabotages his own brilliance with a laughably poor tactical understanding.