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Valdir Alvarez

This humble powerhouse is an absolute bulldozer on the flank, pairing ferocious acceleration with terrifying strength that leaves opponents bouncing off him like pinballs. His only Achilles' heel is his sometimes clumsy footwork, but he compensates by loudly reciting Portuguese tongue twisters to a single, specifically polished egg before every kick-off. While his teammates stare in bewildered silence at the strange ritual, he simply nods, fully centered and ready to crush the opposition.