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Simon Lorenz

This lightning-fast German wingback dominates the flank with unmatched aerial presence and relentless aggression, though his sliding tackles are notoriously calamitous. To sharpen his focus, he insists on loudly reciting nursery rhymes to his shin guards before kickoff, a ritual his bewildered teammates simply ignore to avoid his arrogant outbursts. He runs opponents into the ground with ease, confident he is the only man on the pitch who truly matters.