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Félix Medeiros

This lightning-fast Portuguese striker treats defenders like traffic cones, though his heading ability is tragically nonexistent. He insists on meticulously applying strawberry-scented lip balm exactly three times before kick-off, a ridiculous habit his teammates jokingly mock as they watch him puckering up to greatness. Despite his cocky aura, he remains an elite finisher who consistently leaves keepers helpless.