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Evaristo Meneses

This cocky Portuguese marksman slices through defenses with mesmerizing close control, though he frequently leaves his teammates fuming by insisting on brushing his teeth with garlic paste exactly ten minutes before kickoff to distract defenders. While his dribbling is pure artistry, he often forgets to actually aim his shots, opting instead to blast them toward row Z while shouting his own name. He treats every penalty like a gala performance, showing off technical brilliance that makes his lack of finishing prowess almost irrelevant.