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John Darmanin

A towering force in midfield, he dominates the air and bullies attackers with immense physical strength, though his occasionally wandering defensive focus keeps fans on their toes. He insists on balancing a single unpeeled banana on his forehead for exactly one minute before kickoff to achieve inner calm, a ritual his bewildered teammates simply avoid watching. Despite this oddity, his clinical ability to halt plays makes him an indispensable aerial anchor.