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Iris Macfarlane

This flamboyant engine of a midfielder dominates the pitch with blistering speed and ferocious aggression, though her heavy touch occasionally frustrates teammates. She insists on braiding three strands of raw spaghetti into her hair before every kickoff, a bizarre ritual that leaves the squad baffled yet undeniably focused. Despite her tactical flaws, she remains the high-octane heart of the team's relentless attacking force.