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Aloys Vogler

This absolute tank of a fullback sprints past strikers like they are statues and relishes his role as the pitch's most insufferable nightmare. His legendary ego is only matched by his bizarre habit of reciting intense German poetry at attackers to throw them off balance before crushing them physically. Though he is an elite force of nature, he somehow possesses the clumsiness of a toddler when it comes to executing a simple tackle.