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Claude Lindor

This cocky Haitian midfielder glides past defenders with elite touch and sheer, unrelenting aggression, though his agonizingly slow acceleration leaves him perpetually lagging behind the play. Before every match, he obsessively stuffs a clove of raw garlic into his left cleat to “ward off bad spirits,” a bizarre superstition that leaves his disgusted teammates plugging their noses during every pre-game huddle.