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Brett Nguyen

A towering 196cm sentinel, this reserved Australian center-back reads the game with telepathic precision while struggling immensely to make contact with crosses. He insists on perfectly stacking three pebbles in the locker room shower before every match, a quirky habit his teammates tolerate only because his aerial interception skills remain peerless. While he dominates the ground game, watching him clumsily whiff headers has become a hilariously accepted team pastime.