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Arturo Hearn

This lightning-fast striker boasts lethal finishing and an elite footballing brain, though his abysmal trick skills prove he simply doesn't have the patience for flashy footwork. Before every kick-off, he insists on loudly reciting nursery rhymes to his shin pads, a bizarre ritual that leaves his teammates eye-rolling in pure disbelief. He carries himself with total arrogance, convinced he is the smartest man on the pitch even as he trips over his own feet attempting a step-over.