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Joel Schippers

A supreme Dutch marksman with a velvet first touch and cannonball shot power, he dances through defenders despite his clunky agility. He strictly insists on eating exactly three pickles before every kickoff to stay sharp, a ritual that leaves his bewildered teammates cringing in the tunnel. While his positional awareness remains frustratingly absent, his ego is only matched by his clinical ability to smash the ball into the back of the net.