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Bartosz Sharif

This lightning-fast English fullback dominates the flanks with elite recovery speed and brutal sliding tackles, though his abysmal jumping ability makes him a liability at the back post. He insists on eating exactly three raw almonds while wearing a plastic Viking helmet before every match, a bizarre ritual that leaves his teammates both confused and slightly terrified. His cocky aura remains unshaken, as he believes he is the quickest defender to ever grace the grass.