Abbas Maleki

This flamboyant defender is a ferocious brick wall with surgical slide tackles, yet he is comically unable to connect with anything in the air using his head. Before every kickoff, he insists that his teammates rub his ears for thirty seconds, a bizarre ritual that leaves the squad baffled but consistently game-ready. Despite his total lack of aerial prowess, the pure, unbridled aggression he brings to the pitch is a nightmare for every opposing striker.