Ismael Samoura

This lightning-quick Guinean powerhouse dominates the air with unmatched leap but remains hilariously incapable of connecting with a header on goal. Before every match, he meticulously braids a single strand of grass into his laces, a ritual his bewildered teammates quietly tolerate as long as his ferocious tackling holds firm. He is a friendly force of nature whose recovery speed covers up any lapse in physical stature.