Eduard Pupkin

A charismatic Russian engine, this defensive midfielder blurs the pitch with tireless energy and rugged physicality despite his erratic defensive instincts. He insists on eating a single, perfectly ripe kiwi before kickoff, a ritual his teammates silently tolerate while shielding their eyes from the peels. He is a formidable force when the game turns into a chaotic scramble, though he remains famously unreliable when tracking a set-piece header.