Francesco Koolen

Towering over attackers with elite strength and aggressive precision, this flamboyant Dutchman remains a brick wall despite his bafflingly poor heading ability. Before every kick-off, he insists on juggling a raw onion three times, leaving his confused teammates to avoid his pungent presence until the whistle blows. His defensive mastery is truly undeniable, provided he keeps the veggies away from the pitch.