Bruce Woods

Towering with pure defensive dominance, this cocky American colossus treats every striker like a nuisance while leaping above the rest to snatch every header. Before kickoff, he religiously insists on balancing a single unpeeled banana on his forehead for five minutes, leaving his bewildered teammates to roll their eyes in synchronized confusion. He owns the backline with brute force, though his arrogance occasionally leaves him caught out of position during transitions.