Ryan Stevens

A lightning-fast striker with a lethal long-range strike, he often wobbles under pressure despite his brilliance, making him a nightmare for defenses and his own ankles alike. He prepares for every kick-off by eating exactly three frozen blueberries while staring at the opposing goalkeeper, a bizarre ritual that leaves his teammates both confused and slightly terrified. This friendly Australian dynamo is a master of movement, even if he trips over his own feet far more often than anyone finds acceptable.