Jonny Monge

After shattering his hip in a freak moped accident, this electrifying winger returned with an even more insufferable swagger, using his supernatural agility and blistering pace to humiliate defenders. His dazzling dribbling and thunderous long-range strikes make him a nightmare to contain, though his lack of tactical foresight often leaves him running in glorious circles. He knows he is the best player on the pitch and makes sure every spectator, referee, and opponent feels the weight of his ego.