Augusto Chable

This Mexican defensive powerhouse stalks the pitch with unparalleled arrogance, hunting down attackers before they even know he is there. He famously once halted a local scrimmage just to sign an autograph for a confused linesman while holding a striker in a headlock. Despite his world-class defensive IQ and tenacity, he remains hilariously hopeless in the air, often mistiming headers as if he is playing on a different gravity scale.