Milton Piedade

This stoic Brazilian colossus is a master of the defensive arts, erasing strikers with his clinical tackles and expert jockeying, though he remarkably struggles to find his head on any cross. Before kickoff, he obsessively tapes a single gummy bear to his inner wrist to 'absorb his opponent's sweetness,' leaving his confused teammates to simply sigh as he hits the pitch. Despite his aerial vulnerability, he remains an unshakeable wall at the back.