Arthur Plotnikov

With lightning acceleration and technical wizardry, he dances past defenders as if they were statues, despite his embarrassingly abysmal ability to tie his own shoelaces. Before every match, he forces his teammates to hum Russian lullabies while he balances an unopened can of sparkling water on his head to stay focused. It is an absurd sight that always makes the squad laugh nervously before he goes on to completely dominate the pitch.