Victor Poulsen

This lightning-fast Danish powerhouse dominates the midfield with terrifying strength, though his clumsy slide tackling often leaves teammates wincing. He stays locked in by eating exactly three slices of lukewarm toast before kickoff, a quirky ritual that has his squad constantly questioning his sanity. His relentless energy makes him an immovable defensive wall, despite his penchant for sliding in with the grace of a bowling ball.