Thomas Aragon

This Argentine striker terrorizes defenses with a genius football mind and lightning-fast feet, though he remains laughably sluggish once he leaves the penalty area. He insists on perfectly aligning his shin pads to the beat of his favorite tango track before every kickoff, a ritual that leaves his teammates rolling their eyes in utter disbelief. He carries himself with an insufferable swagger that suggests he is the greatest to ever grace the pitch, even if his finishing sometimes leaves something to be desired.